Serenity
n. placid (adj. not easily disturbed, peaceful), tranquil (adj. calm)
Lord grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
I
spent a substantial amount of time over the past month whining about the fact
that I had to teach over our spring break. On the school calendar it says
students are on break from March 28th through April 12th.
A solid two weeks off school that I could rest and relax and regroup. At the
beginning of March I was informed that I would have to teach for at least one
of those weeks over break…
In
Tanzania all students in Standard Four and Standard Seven (Also in Form Four
and Form Six) have to take a National Exam towards the end of the year. In
order to prepare for this exam, Gonzaga, and many other primary schools, see
fit to add time to the Standard Four and Seven school day. Our students in
those grades are in school from seven am until three thirty pm Monday through
Saturday. They also have classes over scheduled school holidays.
…I
am teaching Standard Four in their Information and Communication Technology
class and was expected to teach them over the holiday. My first round of
outrage centered on the fact that I wasn’t aware of this extended teaching
schedule and had already started to plan a trip for the first week of break. A
second wave of frustration came when I was told that they wouldn’t know which
days the kids would be in school until the break began. I thought this was
ridiculous. In the US the school calendar is planned a year ahead of time and
you are able to plan around that schedule months in advance. A final wave of
desolation overwhelmed me when I was having a particularly frustrating week at
school, felt that I needed a break, and wasn’t going to get one. This last
resentment, I think, is a legitimate one. The others are a classic example of
learning about and assimilating to this different culture.
After
three weeks of being annoyed, frustrated, and sad, I was forced to accept that
nothing I could feel was going to change the fact that I had made a commitment
to serve this school and that meant showing up to teach when they required it.
I was spending too much energy being frustrated and needed to change my
attitude in order to be happy. As it happened I only had to teach for two days
(two hours a day) at the beginning of break, and was able to go to travel like
I had been hoping. Life has a way of working its self out. I learned a good
lesson in serenity that I hope I can remember the next time something beyond my
control frustrates me.
Courage to
change the things that I can
Teaching
continues to be a struggle. I think I have mentioned before that my experience
teaching has been eighty percent classroom management and twenty percent
delivering information. I think it also serves to note that one of my standard
three classes is know by the school and all the teachers to be the most
stubborn class at Gonzaga. Some days are better than others and I try to go
into a classroom with a positive attitude. However some days are discouraging
and I have been experiencing some anxiety around teaching. Last weekend I
reached a breaking point where my anxiety and desolation overwhelmed me and I
couldn’t stop crying. My community is incredibly supportive and made me laugh
and feel loved. The best and worst part about that overwhelming moment of
stress is that life must go on. It is a question about how I change my current
ways of operating in order to thrive in this teaching position. At the current
moment I feel as if I am only surviving, and survival mode is not a sustainable
place of operation. I will be on retreat the first week of April and intend to
bring my desolation to God in prayer and my fellow JVCs in conversation.
And wisdom to
know the difference.
Many
things bring me consolation in this Tanzanian context. I find a lot of joy in
my community mates. We are a goofy and down-to-earth group of women who are
able to laugh about the most ridiculous (both legitimately and frustratingly
ridiculous) things. I am surrounded by children on a daily basis. I love my
students and they give me love right back. I enjoy joking with them outside and
even inside the classroom. I see God everywhere (if I am looking). Dar provides
the most beautiful sunrises; those people who I greet everyday are happy and welcoming;
children in the neighborhood run to greet me when I am walking home from
school. I have a lot to be grateful for too. Our house is a comfortable and
safe space; we have more than enough money for food and the occasional drink; I
am supported by my community mates and teachers at school (who are another
source of real joy and laughter). I can end with a story of one little nugget
who always puts a smile on my face. The woman who runs the shop across the
street from our house has a son who is between one and two (walking but not
talking). This woman started working there around the time I arrived so her son
was not familiar with the white people in the neighborhood. At first he was
very afraid of us, running away or hiding when we would come near him. Slowly
he warmed up to us giving us a high five or waddling closer to us out of
curiosity. In the past week he has started to call out to us, “Auntie!” when we
walk by. Now he has started to imitate the other children who run up to us to
give us a hug. Just today when he ran to give me a hug I picked him up and
carried him until we reached our home. He is fearing no more! And it makes me
so happy to see his cute little face at the beginning and end of my day.
If
you were going to say a prayer for me, let it be a prayer for serenity. Thank
you! Peace.
