Serenity

Serenity n. placid (adj. not easily disturbed, peaceful), tranquil (adj. calm)

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

I spent a substantial amount of time over the past month whining about the fact that I had to teach over our spring break. On the school calendar it says students are on break from March 28^th through April 12^th. A solid two weeks off school that I could rest and relax and regroup. At the beginning of March I was informed that I would have to teach for at least one of those weeks over break…

In Tanzania all students in Standard Four and Standard Seven (Also in Form Four and Form Six) have to take a National Exam towards the end of the year. In order to prepare for this exam, Gonzaga, and many other primary schools, see fit to add time to the Standard Four and Seven school day. Our students in those grades are in school from seven am until three thirty pm Monday through Saturday. They also have classes over scheduled school holidays.

…I am teaching Standard Four in their Information and Communication Technology class and was expected to teach them over the holiday. My first round of outrage centered on the fact that I wasn’t aware of this extended teaching schedule and had already started to plan a trip for the first week of break. A second wave of frustration came when I was told that they wouldn’t know which days the kids would be in school until the break began. I thought this was ridiculous. In the US the school calendar is planned a year ahead of time and you are able to plan around that schedule months in advance. A final wave of desolation overwhelmed me when I was having a particularly frustrating week at school, felt that I needed a break, and wasn’t going to get one. This last resentment, I think, is a legitimate one. The others are a classic example of learning about and assimilating to this different culture.

After three weeks of being annoyed, frustrated, and sad, I was forced to accept that nothing I could feel was going to change the fact that I had made a commitment to serve this school and that meant showing up to teach when they required it. I was spending too much energy being frustrated and needed to change my attitude in order to be happy. As it happened I only had to teach for two days (two hours a day) at the beginning of break, and was able to go to travel like I had been hoping. Life has a way of working its self out. I learned a good lesson in serenity that I hope I can remember the next time something beyond my control frustrates me.

Courage to change the things that I can

Teaching continues to be a struggle. I think I have mentioned before that my experience teaching has been eighty percent classroom management and twenty percent delivering information. I think it also serves to note that one of my standard three classes is know by the school and all the teachers to be the most stubborn class at Gonzaga. Some days are better than others and I try to go into a classroom with a positive attitude. However some days are discouraging and I have been experiencing some anxiety around teaching. Last weekend I reached a breaking point where my anxiety and desolation overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop crying. My community is incredibly supportive and made me laugh and feel loved. The best and worst part about that overwhelming moment of stress is that life must go on. It is a question about how I change my current ways of operating in order to thrive in this teaching position. At the current moment I feel as if I am only surviving, and survival mode is not a sustainable place of operation. I will be on retreat the first week of April and intend to bring my desolation to God in prayer and my fellow JVCs in conversation.

And wisdom to know the difference.

Many things bring me consolation in this Tanzanian context. I find a lot of joy in my community mates. We are a goofy and down-to-earth group of women who are able to laugh about the most ridiculous (both legitimately and frustratingly ridiculous) things. I am surrounded by children on a daily basis. I love my students and they give me love right back. I enjoy joking with them outside and even inside the classroom. I see God everywhere (if I am looking). Dar provides the most beautiful sunrises; those people who I greet everyday are happy and welcoming; children in the neighborhood run to greet me when I am walking home from school. I have a lot to be grateful for too. Our house is a comfortable and safe space; we have more than enough money for food and the occasional drink; I am supported by my community mates and teachers at school (who are another source of real joy and laughter). I can end with a story of one little nugget who always puts a smile on my face. The woman who runs the shop across the street from our house has a son who is between one and two (walking but not talking). This woman started working there around the time I arrived so her son was not familiar with the white people in the neighborhood. At first he was very afraid of us, running away or hiding when we would come near him. Slowly he warmed up to us giving us a high five or waddling closer to us out of curiosity. In the past week he has started to call out to us, “Auntie!” when we walk by. Now he has started to imitate the other children who run up to us to give us a hug. Just today when he ran to give me a hug I picked him up and carried him until we reached our home. He is fearing no more! And it makes me so happy to see his cute little face at the beginning and end of my day.

If you were going to say a prayer for me, let it be a prayer for serenity. Thank you! Peace.